A week and a half ago my grandmother died. So I went to S Carolina ever the weekend for the funeral. My mom asked me if I want to be a boy. Many old church ladies gave me very odd looks indeed. Because I certainly can't be a granddaughter. I think I'd have to say I agree. I cannot be a granddaughter. Plus she's dead.
I'm tired. I went to Monterey this morning, to see a rokudan demonstration. William did awesome. Plus training under Toribio Kancho. Which is always great. I would like to go over the techniques we learned today, but there is no one to train with.
I was Elizabeth this afternoon, because some family friends were in town.
The other day my Human sexuality instructor needed to know the name I'm registered under, in order to enroll me in the class, and first off I was really uncomfortable with it, but when she finally said "I'm gonna need the name you're registered under now" my first reaction was "Elliot" and then I got all flustered and said "except that's the name you already know and I'm not actually registered under." It's hard going backwards. Backwards sucks. I feel like some parts of my life are all progress, but other parts are not at all. Some parts are slipping back. I think I am depressed again. I think I might have actually been alright for a while there, but recently I've been feeling pretty aweful. At least now I have an ok idea of what it is that's messing with me.
First way I'm fucked up is I'm lonely. I have a really hard time letting myself be open with people. I'm afraid of relying on someone, or not being independent or something. I'm terrified of women. So I get lonely. I'm also afraid that my friends will find out how lonely I feel, and feel badly because of it. Dr. Badri Dass says my biggest obstacle is shame. yeah, I'm fucking ashamed of myself.
The second way I'm fucked up is this fucking gender dysphoria. It's getting to where I don't want to go to class. I wake up and I can't get up because there's a mirror and a hiding process, a whole slew of things I do in order to be a perversion of what I should be in order to slightly resemble myself. Fuck. At the party last night one of the girls couldn't get over the fact that I'm 19, not 12. She felt weird drinking in front of me.
Damnit, I'm making an emo post. Fuck me.
In other news: on tuesday I went to a trans meeting on campus, and it looks like we're putting together a club of some sort. Or something. I'm excited. Are you excited *touches nose*